To clear the record...

There seems to be a lot of rumors/gossip circulating regarding me, my family, my marriage and my life. I would like to take this opportunity right now to correct, explain, and hopefully put an end to the questions and sidebar conversations about all of this. I haven't lied at all on my blog...and even if I did, it's my blog to lie on. I haven't shared all of the intricate details of my life and for good reasons. When someone is going through the most difficult situation that they have ever experienced in their life, they usually don't shout it from the roof tops for everyone to hear. They keep it to themselves and the select few they've opted to share it with and work through it hoping and praying it will end and all will be better. This is exactly what I've done. During the past two months things have been extremely difficult in my marriage. I will not share details, I don't think they need to be shared. Todd and I were seperated for 5 weeks and tomorrow I am leaving to go to Utah for Ashleys wedding. Yes, I am leaving a week early, and yes I realize that people are wondering what this means. I have to be honest and tell you that I don't know what it means. I will be traveling to Utah for about 2 1/2 weeks and will then come back to New Mexico. From that point I don't know what will happen. The big "D" word has been used, but I just don't know what the outcome will be. I know what I hope it will be, but the hardest thing about a marriage is the fact that there are 2 people involved, which means 2 people have agency to choose what happens or doesn't happen and unfortunately we can't change that. We voted for this plan knowing full well that it wouldn't be easy and that there would be times in our lives when someone else's agency would affect our lives. I love Todd and more than anything I want for this to work. I understand that there are things within my control and circle of influence that I can change and have taken responsibility for, but at the same time, there are things that Todd has to change and take responsibility for.
The thing that has brought me the greatest comfort and peace throughout this situation is that I KNOW my Savior is personally aware of me. And for that matter he is aware of Todd. And there comes a point (probably several) in our life where we have to finally trust that his plan for us is greater than the one we are so earnestly trying to achieve ourselves. And when we step back and allow ourselves to be encircled in the arms of his tender mercies, we see a glimpse of the eternal perspective and feel the peace that "surpasseth all." I'm so grateful for the spirit, who, at a time when I have felt the most alone, the most vulnerable and the most devestated has whispered into my ear how much I'm worth, how much I'm capable of, and how much my Heavenly Father loves me. That is priceless and really the only thing that keeps me going each day. (besides my sweet Emma). I have come to know my Savior more fully through this trial and I am so grateful for that. I can still be happy and for those of you who have talked to me and wondered how I could be joking at a time when my marriage could possibly be ending I would tell you that sometimes, when we turn things over to the Lord he takes our tears away and replaces them with smiles, sometimes he let's us cry for awhile and then helps us pick up the pieces and shows us just how strong we are. I am strong and sometimes I hate that attribute about myself because I'd rather just sit and have a pity party and eat all of the chocolate chips and peanut butter in my house...but I am reminded that those feelings don't serve me and when I let it go, I am amazed at the incredible peace I feel. Only the Spirit of the Lord could do such a thing.
So...I will end this post with this comment: if you are wondering what you can do to help my answer would be this: Pray! Pray for a miracle to take place in our marriage and in our lives.