A word about bedrest...

This isn't meant to be a feel sorry for me post...I just need to get some thoughts out there into the cosmos...

I have been down for 2 weeks now...2 long, exhausting weeks with no end in sight, other than a due date that truly seems forever away. If you've never been on bedrest, here's a glimpse into my world...

I miss my sweetheart. He is my best friend, my love and my soul mate. Since I've been on bedrest he has to do more than usual and I know that's difficult for him. He has had to step up in a way he never has needed to before and essentially be both the dad and the mom. Because he is filling two pairs of shoes right now, I see him less and I'm homesick for him. He takes his naps next to me after he gets off work and most of the time I just lay there and watch him because it's quiet and it's just me and him, even if he is sleeping. I miss him.

I miss my Emma-doo. She is my best girl friend. We talk, we laugh, we do our makeup together, our hair together, we brush our teeth together, we match our clothes, we talk about what we'll buy while we're shopping together, we make plans, we dream together, we girl talk. The past

two weeks Em has had both her grandma and her nana here to keep her busy and while we've had our moments together, she's been preoccupied with them. And, she needed that because I can't be that best girl friend to her right now. An active, overly social 4 year old cannot confine herself to a bed...it just isn't stimulating enough...I am grateful for Sherry and my mom being able to be here for her and I worry about what the next several weeks will hold without someone to hold her attention and keep her distracted while I maintain my post in my bed.

I miss my Max-a-million. He is my snuggler, my baby, my little man. I miss his smile, his laugh, I miss chasing him for hours and feeling so exhausted from it. I miss playing cars and reading train books. I miss catching him at the bottom of the slide, I miss eating breakfast with him and sharing our toast and milk together. I miss rocking him to sleep and holding him in the morning right as he's waking up. Max is very much a momma's boy and this has been extremely difficult for him. he cries for me in a way he never did before. I feel bad, like I'm cheating on him or something.

I have had my fair share of pity parties the past couple of weeks and have spent time journaling, crying and feeling bad about it. I miss my life, my crazy, chaotic, overly social life. Several times I have actually even been mad. Mad at my body that it can't handle this...mad that while medically, it's been a miracle I've carried this baby this long after the year of hell I've put my body through, I just want to be done. I'm lonely and depressed and that's not like me. I'm not that girl. And then today I decided to write some "pity party" cards...basically I got 3x5 cards and a ring and started writing quotes and scriptures that could help me when I'm discouraged or depressed. I actually surprised myself with how helpful it was. Here are a couple of things worth mentioning in case anyone is struggling with anything even remotely close to what I'm struggling with...

"Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him." ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"Think about your particular assignment at this time in your life. Our assignments are varied and they change from time to time. Don't take them lightly. Give them your full heart and energy. Do them with enthusiasm. Do whatever you have to do this week with your whole heart and soul. To do less than this will leave you with an empty feeling." ~Sister Marjorie Hinckley

So...here's what I know...This isn't going to last forever...it just can't and it won't. My children will really be ok. They may watch more tv and movies and snack more often because my sweet husband has no idea what to feed them for lunch and that's ok. They will survive this and probably without a memory of it. My husband will also survive and will and is becoming a better father and husband in the process because of the increased opportunity to serve and spend time with his children. And as for me...well...my particular assignment at this time is to grow a very special spirit inside of me and if that means that I have to lay in my bed in a garden of gethsemane type of situation, alone and left to ponder my life, then I pray that when I am done I will be blessed to hold a precious little angel in my arms and thank the Lord that I was able and strong enough to do what needed to be done. I have waited for this baby for over a year and I'm not about to quit now...not when the finish line is this close!