Tonight I felt like a bad mom...
Emma and I have frequent power struggles. I suppose that's what happens when you have 2 of the same person living together. I've been really working on being more creative about my interaction with her since I'm obviously older and wiser I should be able to handle situations better, but lately I've been so tired, so worn down, so sore, so ready to be done being pregnant, etc that my patience and creativity hasn't been what it should be. Bed-time is a real struggle for she and I and she knows its my weak spot...usually I cave to her crying and begging me to let her sleep with me just to avoid the fight and the whole process altogether and Todd will move her when he comes home.
Tonight I decided it was in her own bed and we started out as we usually do, laying in her bed (which is truly a challenge climbing into a twin bed with her with the railing up), singing the list of songs we sing, tucking her in, saying our "I love you's", getting up to leave only to hear her say "I hafta go potty..." UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I scream in my mind and nearly burst into tears. After all that...I know have to take her to the bathroom, lift her onto the toilet, wait for her to do her business, help her back down, pull her pants up, walk her back to her room and go through the whole bed-time routine again. And all because when I asked her if she had to go before we started the first time she said no...
So off we go, to the bathroom and I'm sitting on the edge of the bathtub crying and I tell her that I'm not laying by her again, that she needs to hurry up and do her business so we can go to bed. She looks down for a minute, as if she's thinking about what I just said and then looks up and says "I'm so so sorry mom. Please lay by you for just a minute." I cry again, this time not feeling sorry for myself but feeling sorry that I hurt her feelings and made her feel like I didn't want to be with her. We went back into her room and I laid by her and snuggled up next to her. We were best friends in that moment and it made all of the crying, screaming, hitting and frustrating moments from today just disappear and she leaned over and said "I love you mom" before I got up to leave.
I love this little person, more than words can express and I know that hard days lie ahead and there will be moments where it for sure won't be easy, but I am grateful for the tender mercies that the Lord gives me and how he humbles me to see the "light at the end of the tunnel" so that I can keep going. I'm grateful for the moments at the end of the day that wipe away all of the bad things that happened and I can lay down knowing that I do love being a mom, being Emma's mom and I'm grateful I got one more day with her.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
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5 comments:
We have friends that their daughter uses this to not go to bed. She is 3 almost 4, but they have taught her to get the stool, turn the light on, put the stool by the toilet, etc. It may be too much to do it all right not, but it may help. I love reading this, cant wait to see Max.
I am with you on feeling like a bad mom (which by the way you are not a bad mom). Miley will go to bed and stay in bed, but she will wake up crying/yelling every 15-30 min. I finally took her to the doctor and burst into tears at the mere topic of sleep loss. The doctor I am sure now thinks I am crazy. I am having to drug her before bed and then threaten her at night when she does wake up (because she is still waking up) that she will get in trouble if she wakes me up again. I feel horrible. But nothing seems to work and I feel like I can't be a good mom when I am woken up every 15-30 min. I feel for you! I am not dealing with the new arrival of a baby like you are. I am hoping that one day I will be able to slumber peacefully and know that my baby is not being drugged to allow me to do so.
thanks a lot, you made me cry. I'm not even pregnant! At least i hope not, oh geeze! Emma is truley a Jem and a little miracle. I love it when everything just gets better when you really really can't take it anymore. the Lord knows us, and her cares.
Oh Tiff you are so far from being a bad mom - you are the best....'cause you're human! I love this story - what a sweet daughter you have. She is obviously just like you. :) You make me excited to have kids of my own!
We've all been there. I've done things I never ever thought I would do as a mother. I've begged, threatened, yelled, cried, anything to get my kids to go to sleep. This is the nitty gritty of motherhood I think.
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